Lessons from Dr Who!

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Dr Who is a popular TV show in the UK. One that I used to watch from behind the settee when I was 25 - oops no I mean 8...

Anyhow, in this week's episode the year is far in the future and England is a mass of skyscrapers flying through space aboard an ENORMOUS "Star Whale".

Now, I don't want to go into the small detail of the story, suffice to say that the humans are torturing this ENORMOUS creature because they assume it won't otherwise want to support, effectively 'be', their life-giving space ship. So the only choice the Dr thinks he has is between the freedom of the Star Whale, the last of its species, or the future existence of the English.

mmm... interesting polarity. How to find a way where everyone's needs are met?

Well, it happens. And it happens when the Dr's assistant realises that the Star Whale also wants to contribute to the well being of the people, especially the children, it is carrying. There is no need to torture the creature: it won't scarper. Instead it will live a joyful life alongside the English if only they can see that too.

So how come the English couldn't see this in the Star Whale? Well, one can only imagine the fear they faced knowing they had to take to space to survive. And when the stakes are high we can get really attached to the outcome, so attached that any means may seem appropriate. And when taking actions involving others we will often project our own stuff onto them, i.e. interpret their behaviour by attaching the motive and intention we would have if we were behaving that way. Hence the English looked at the Star Whale and thought 'for sure it wants to bugger off!'

So here are some thoughts:
1) How many times has our interpretation of someone's behaviour meant we've responded in a way that's then created conflict?
2) How different might it be if we trust first, connect first, and from that place of understanding decide our next steps? It might have been that the humans DID need to torture the Star Whale to survive, but reach this from a place of real understanding.
3) Be aware of being attached to outcomes. Life doesn't exist there, but in the process. So how about paying as much, if not more, attention to it?

On Conflict Resolution

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Andy was recently asked to write a little article for www.in-equilibrium.co.uk for whom he is an independent consultant. Here follows the article! :0)

Question
“Conflict resolution depends on all parties involved volunteering to take part. Do you have any advice on what to do when one party will not engage?”

Answer by Andy Mason
This is a very interesting question and for me speaks to the heart of an equally important question “What do we mean by conflict resolution?” Answering this question impacts on how we think and ultimately the choices we have when conflict is present.

We can draw a simple continuum representing ways to resolve conflict, from forceful intervention up one end (Iraq anyone?) to people working with equal control towards deep understanding (often characteristic of conflict transformation processes – South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission?) at the other. Somewhere in the middle we find adjudication, arbitration and negotiation. The difference between the last three and transformation can be illustrated thus: in adjudication, arbitration or negotiation you start at 1 and I start at 10 and we might settle at 5. In transformation the possible end ‘settlements’ are neither discernable nor a priority at the outset. Instead the focus is on the process, so you start at 1, I start at 10 and we settle on a banana! One that we create together and we all own.

So what do you do if one party won’t engage?

Someone who sees conflict as ‘human nature’ and that ‘bad’ people need controlling might find a way to threaten them with disciplinary action if they don’t ‘volunteer’! [When the ‘human nature’ source of conflict has come up in the various parts of the world I have worked I usually reply ‘whose human nature, yours?’ to which the answer is invariably ‘No!’ So I am yet to find the person responsible for all the conflict humans experience.]

Someone believing in the ‘human side of the workplace’ (and most modern, humanistic-minded managers, negotiators and mediators would fall into this category) would value talking to the parties and finding out what’s happening and why, before trying to find solutions to problems in order to gain involvement.

So how would a conflict transformation approach differ? In my experience a core value we all have is to be truly heard, often by a certain individual. By truly heard I mean for another to really ‘get’ how things are for us – without putting their advice, judgement or evaluation in the way. This process is real empathy. Once it is present not only can strategies be found to honestly address the needs of the reluctant individual, but also, without fail, their own relationship with the situation changes. Into what? We don’t know till it happens – hence the banana! Sound unusual and unlikely? Yes, that’s what the team in Beirut said as I trained them to work with Iraqi refugees. ‘Just listen with empathy? They’ll want money and blankets!’ Six months later their reports of the changes they had seen in the women they had originally found reluctant in their refugee accommodation were remarkable. The refugees said having someone to really hear them had truly made a difference.

So what of the workplace? A raft of management thinking from Maslow to Emotional Intelligence supports the notion that people are motivated to meet their needs, such as acknowledgement, control and safety. Helping people meet their needs, through empathy, is much more likely to stimulate their buy-in. I have lost count of the number of times parties entering mediation have initially said to me ‘I just want it sorted! There’s no way I want to speak to them!’ only to find that having their needs heard by me has given the safety and listening they needed to go forwards.

And another thought – having empathy for the other party also shifts their view too. If you can let go of being attached to the outcome remarkable things always happen. Bananas!

Getting busy

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My goodness where does the time go! I can't believe my last post was on 11 December! Ok, so a quick ten minutes to say a few things:

1) Selene has finished the first few weeks in Amman and is now resting in Thailand before we finalise her next steps. Her experience was the common combination of tough and rewarding as she balanced the realities of working in a very different environment with the undoubted interest of both staff and Iraqis in the benefits of NVC.

2) Sarri's work in Lebanon is developing with more local NGOs requesting further training and support in how to develop and implement NVC in their work.

3) In the UK I am busy coaching managers from Neopost in their use of conflict resolution in the workplace. I am also visiting UK NGOs to 1) develop their teams and 2) look at assisting in their pre-departure training for staff doing international placements. I am engaging in local community mediation, have been asked to train fellow mediators in NVC and also am looking at growing the workplace mediation part of MLCT; to that end I am currently in discussion with other suitably qualified and experienced people. We're excited about the difference we know that transformative mediation can make to relationships in the workplace and want to look at how to grow that part of MLCT>

4) I'm planning to go to Egypt for a month (probably May?) with Tam and Dylan - this would also give a chance to respond to requests for training from 4 different Egypt-based organisations. Funny how these things come together.

5) I'm also going to be trained as a facilitator with an organisation called Khulisa (see http://www.khulisaservices.co.za/). They do restorative justice work based on their model developed in South Africa.

Positive about MasonLaporte's future with NGOs

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Selene has finished the first three day training in Amman, she reports feeling satisfied and tired. I'm waiting for more details, and looking forward to catching up with her properly via skype soon.


Selene

Sarri returns from 6 weeks in Lebanon on Sunday - we're meeting next week for a debrief and to plan next steps. I'm feeling increasingly excited by what MasonLaporte can offer INGOs and NGOs in different locations with the experience we are building.


Sarri in Lebanon

Starting in Jordan and some local help for a friend

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I had a text message from Selene at 1am last night letting me know she'd arrived safely in Jordan. I'm now imagining her exploring small parts of the city for the first time and preparing herself to meet the Tdh staff tomorrow. Selene and I spent a couple of days preparing for her conflict transformation work with Tdh's child protection project with Iraqi refugees.

I'm also excited about being asked to share NVC with a mother and her two children aged 9 and 12. She says they're having some issues: 'it's like world war three here'. I really enjoy working in this way and seeing a practical outcome. We're all meeting up tomorrow.

Hiatus

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Tam & Andy are about to have a baby so are on a bit of a hiatus - though we're responding to emails and enquiries.

Most recently, Andy has been doing the following:

• Facilitating a local charity in Brighton to implement a year long organisational review. Outputs to date include the adoption of a new values framework and development and implementation of a revised governance structure. All initiatives have come from the organisation's Trustees, workers and centre users.


• Mediating between neighbours involved in community level disputes in Brighton


• In April 2009 Andy extended the work from Lebanon to Jordan and Syria. This involved training staff from local NGOs and UN agencies in using NVC-based approaches in their work with Iraqi refugees.
  
  It also included specific training for psychologists and psychological counsellors who support Iraqi families and children. A key part of this work is the emphasis on connection with the needs of the beneficiaries, on giving empathy, rather than trying to 'fix the problem'. Time and again people have reported the transformation in relationships and ease that is created when this connection is made. Interestingly, by being aware of their own needs in the situation, those working with Iraqi refugees have been able to move away from their traditional aproaches of 'doing something for' the other. Crucially it this desire to meet our own needs in the only way we know how that often blocks us connecting with, and being led by, the needs of the beneficiaries.